I am the blood on the floor
I want to be the person smiling back at you with my blood on my teeth
Every single time you underestimate me
I want to smile with my blood in my teeth
Showing you the evidence of what you’ve done to me
But also showing you that you’ll never break me
Cause I’m pretty
And I’m gritty
I am pretty gritty
As long as I’m both
You’ll never ruin me
Prismatic dark
Rainbow on black
Viscerally who I am
I am not all sunlight
I am not all nice
I am not all brave
So let me be dark
Let me be beautiful
Because I am both
Prismatic and dark
Rainbow on black
The beautiful controlled chaos
Defending your back
It’s a double edged sword.
Even as a child I knew I had to be an adult to be free.
I had to be strong, responsible, comforting, protective, and attentive, for myself and everyone, as no one was for me.
But the trauma of who I had to be to survive is still ingrained in me.
That same sword trying to run me through.
One end wounded me as a child while trying to survive.
The other end perpetually wounds me as I struggle to escape my childhood learned behaviors that cling to me.
The same strategies I no longer need now that I’m free.
Do not hold me to a candle
Watch me burn right up
Then tell me I’m in ashes
Because I was never good enough
It’s difficult to love you sometimes.
Somehow this causes me to forget.
To forget that I love you.
But I do. I do love you.
It isn’t the same as being forgotten.
Can love become muddy?
I suppose that’s why they say,
“It’s complicated”
Our history and tribulations
Resulting in love so opaque
We forget, because we can only see
The mud caked on our eyelids.
There is no way out, but through the mud.
Once we’re done, we need rest
Forgetting all there is chasing after rest.
After we’ve endured the parts that make us so different.
The problems that seem a chasm, do not sever us.
We will always have this thread tying us together.
Even when we can’t see it. It’s there.
Because when you say you love me
I always remember
That I love you too.
Black sheep of the family. Some think its them, but let me tell you. If your family has always saved you a place and they want you around, its not you. How can you think you’re on the outside, when you’re there and they accept and remember you?
Even before we lost the linchpin, we weren’t given a seat at your tables. I regret saving any of you a seat at mine. I wish we’d realized sooner that we deserved more than twisting ourselves into shapes you’d all accept, love, and approve of. It’s become clear that we’ll never be enough. We should’ve never had to fight for our place.
Must’ve been some prenatal blood thinners while in the womb, cause it seems we’re sporting a lower viscosity. We’re just water, water under the bridge. Forgotten with the current, like we’ve always been. I’m washing my hands with it. I’m all set, because I no longer desire a seat at your tables. I know who counts us as their own.
This is sort of the opposite of my last one. It didn’t turn out how I planned, (just like the last one) but like before I still am happy with the result. Turned out cool all in all.
They stacked it up to the ceiling.
Jumbled and cluttered with their feelings.
Tripping over immature and insecure nonsense.
Breaking our backs over others limited sensibilities.
The oppression of what some people refuse to think or see.
You wanted to lock yourself away in a box.
Cage yourself from the weight of this cold war.
We’ve had enough of our society’s containers and assumptions of our characters.
That will continue to be the order, but our minds have to walk their own way.
You won’t buckle from the strain.
You feel you’ve been divided, but you’ve always had a shield and armor on your back.
There was never anything to worry about, because I’ll always be willing to follow you out.
Or at least this is my take on sunlight on the backs of my eyelids. I had a few different ideas for this, because I’ve been meaning to do this painting for a while.
Also the direction the sun is hitting you and how you’re facing and how bright it is on your face at the time changes this idea/view. Each effects the image on my eyelids and this was just my favorite, because it reminds me of light reflecting on water. I’m not sure if I achieved that, but I’m happy with my result either way.
I love the feeling of the warmth, peace, and happiness that sunlight dancing across my closed eyelids creates for me and I tried to capture that. I think I’ll get a little bit of that when I look at it, so I’m glad I finally managed to start and complete it. I plan on doing one with a night concept, probably will be quite different even though I plan on displaying the paintings together once they’re both finished.
Did this yesterday. I wanted to do something with Lionheart for a tattoo maybe. I did a sketch for it for fun and it was something like this, so I turned it into a mini canvas painting instead.
Stenographer For My Thoughts 